bloodrayne

Phfaugh!

What a mess! Uwe Boll has to be the worst director in film history! I mean, there is just nobody else
to blame for inflicting this type of spew upon the public. This movie stars Michael Madsen, who we
all know can act, and Ben Kingsley, who won a chuffing Oscar! Even the title character, played by
Kristanna Loken, has proven she can play a tough, ball busting heroine in “Terminator 3.” Boll
already showed us his worth with “Alone in the Dark” and “House of the Dead.” Not to mention his
upcoming “In the Name of King” with Burt “looks totally queer as a medieval monarch” Reynolds.
And by queer I refer to the old world meaning; strange.

The clueless and inept Boll is simply going to try and make a career by bringing us film adaptations
of video games and blackmailing celebrities to star in them! I swear he must have had video
footage of Ben Kingsley at a Klan rally! There’s no other explanation!

Okay. Here’s how it works. And by “works” I mean fails miserably at every single turn.

The year is, God only knows, because everyone sounds American, dresses in clothes ranging from
the Restoration through Death Metal concert. The country is, who bloody knows, because there
are white people, Hispanics, black people, Indians, gypsies and even, I think, Inuit. Three vampire
hunters with the most unbelievably fake looking swords ever produced by a props department, find
a dhampir (half-human/half vampire) after she has broken free from a carnie freak show and
slaughtered everyone that ran it. She is the spawn of a human woman raped by “the most powerful
vampire in the world,” and that is literally how he is described. Then they rescue her from Meatloaf,
and I am not kidding, they really do rescue her…from Meatloaf. They take her to Castle Brimstone,
which is just two houses down from Greyskull, and train her to kill vampires with the most
functionless arm blade gizmos ever conceived, after the youngest vampire hunter has sex with her.

Still wanna see it? Let me put it this way. I theatre hopped to this midden heap and got in for free
and I still want my money back. I could write a new article every week on how bad this movie was
and I would still be posting stuff this time next year. But I’ll hit the highlights for ya.

Every performance is phoned in. It seems that after the actors were FedExed their blackmail notes
and viewed the tapes of them having sex with under aged Guatemalans, while shooting Black Tar
into their eyeballs over a recently poached Giant Panda, they thought, “Hey, might not be a bad
idea to work with this guy. It worked for Christian Slater.” Then they saw the script and gave up.

The costumes look as if the movie was shot at a local Renaissance festival, the props are so bad, I
swear Michelle Rodriguez’s “sword” was made out of a car antenna, and the fight choreography
looks like a bunch of children out in the back yard playing Cowboys and Indians.

Uwe Boll needs to be run out of Hollywood on a rail and that’s sad considering what the industry
has become. The only redeeming quality to his body of “work” is how laughably horrid it is to
watch. Maybe he’s trying to be the next Ed Wood.