conandestroyer

When it comes to defined genres like the Western, fantasy and science fiction there are those films
that seem to define and transcend the genre at the same time. For the Western, films like “The
Searchers” and “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” are cowboy keystones but simultaneously
beyond the genre. The same goes for “The Empire Strikes Back” and “Dark City” when it comes to
science fiction. For fantasy, a genre littered with the corpses of failed attempts and tepid trash,
“Conan the Barbarian” managed to stand above and away from the rest, being the pinnacle of
fantasy and yet, not fantasy.

The two sequels to “Conan the Barbarian” however are quintessential entries into the 1980s
fantasy film library, purified of all sociopolitical undertones. “Conan the Destroyer” and “Red Sonja”
are pure sword and sorcery cheese. Trying to decide which one is the better film is a difficult and
futile quest. I’d have to say “Conan the Destroyer” edges out over “Red Sonja,” but not by any
perceptible margin.

The Cimmerian barbarian returns in this sequel, beefier than ever. Schwarzenegger is so big in this
film he can barely move his arms. It’s ridiculous. This time, he’s coerced by a sorceress to escort a
young princess to find a magic horn. If he succeeds, the sorceress, played by Sarah Douglas
(“Superman II”), will bring his love Valeria back from the dead (she died in the first movie).

Conan sets off with the fetching adolescent princess, her massive manservant Bombaata, his trusty
wizard (played once again by Mako), his annoying thief friend Malak and of all people, Grace Jones
as an Amazon warrior. But the plot is immaterial really. Of course the sorceress is evil and wants to
rule the world. Of course the princess falls in love with Conan, who is totally uninterested. Of
course Grace Jones is scary to the nth and off-putting beyond recompense. Of course Bombaata is
a ridiculous character played by Wilt Chamberlain. Err…

No, what’s really important here is the high gloss fantasy schlock that’s so bad it’s fun. This is the
height of 1980s fantasy, barring “Willow.” Within the first five minutes, Conan dices up something
like ten faceless warriors, punches a horse in the face and drags two other horses to the ground.
He goes on to kill scores more people, get in a fistfight with an evil sorcerer in a rubber lizard mask,
lift loads of heavy stuff with his back and in the end go toe to toe with the biggest and most
disgusting rubber beastie I have ever seen outside of a Godzilla film.

This is the apex of comic and dime novel fantasy, people. Stilted fight choreography, rubber masks,
some dicey blue screening, all of it wrapped in a slick, somewhat well edited package with a big
star. If you want to laugh and cheer and do your worst impression of Arnold in a group without
feeling embarrassed, sit down and check out “Conan the Destroyer.” This film’s got it all!